Free e-booklet on healing your family through putting loving vibrations into the family food as you cook…
Free e-booklet on healing your family through putting loving vibrations into the family food as you cook…
Updated version of what I wrote in Teens (I’ve since updated that post, too.)
…There are some specifics that will help any family. It is crucial to monitor computer access appropriate to the age level of your child. There are several items available to help you with this. One is called K-9 Web Protection and it is free. You can adjust it to fit your concerns. We’ve been happy with it so far, and I find it easy to customize it.
It also does more than simply protect family morals. It probably saved my computer the other day. My son wanted to download some music – but it was blocked by K-9 because the site had spy-ware on it. I did a search for a review of the bad website, and the complaints said some people had to have their computers rebuilt. I’ve since told him to get his music from more reputable websites! But, to his credit, he thought it was okay because McAfee hadn’t warned against it.
There is no way you can keep track of what your kids are doing online just by glancing over their shoulders now and then. K-9 also has a log of internet activity that cannot be erased without the password. (Hint: if you look at history on your computer and it is blank=bad sign. That means some one is covering his or her tracks.) K-9 would also be a big help in any families troubled by online porn. (Unfortunately – good families can be sorely tested by this. Give the wife/mother the password and block porn: very effective.) I read of one man who asked for this because he was so sick of wasting his time with porn – but he couldn’t break the habit on his own. So – K-9 can help keep Light in families on many levels. And as I said – you can customize your settings for your family’s needs…
Tim and I led a family weekend retreat recently at the Ananda Community in Portland, Oregon. (I also taught a healing class, as well.) It was wonderful to see the level of spiritual support and cooperation between the families. This also helps to create a sense of positive peer influence between the kids. Nonetheless, as some children are now entering middle school, they will face situations and temptations that they did not encounter while attending the wonderful Living Wisdom School, a private school that stresses character development along with an excellent, well rounded education.
Tim told some great stories around the campfire on Friday night, including one about a walking fish, which was a great hit, as you can imagine. He also told a beautiful story at Sunday service. Something that tickled us was that at the end of his story, one little girl, age 6, whispered something to Tim before leaving with all of the other kids for Sunday school. Tim had just finished his inspiring story about a man feeling God’s profound answer to his prayer… and she got him to lean over, and then whispered to him, “I liked the story about the fish…”
That made us laugh. Oh well – you never know what will sink in… (but a walking fish is a pretty good bet.)
Teens and tweens
As we parents look at our sweet children approaching the teen years – it is sometimes hard to fathom the temptations they may face at school, or on the school bus. Sometimes this leads to a fair amount of wool that can be pulled over the parents eyes! Tim and I are on teen #3, and are thus somewhat prepared, but we can’t let that lull us to go on “auto-pilot.” We need to stay aware. Each child is individual and brings fresh concerns, so the most important rule of thumb is to stay involved.
However, that being said, there are some specifics that will help any family. One is to monitor computer access appropriate to the age level of your child. There are several items available to help you with this. One is called K-9 Web Protection and it is free. You can adjust it to fit your concerns. We’ve been happy with it so far, and I find it easy to customize it. And, as an added bonus, it probably saved my computer the other day. My son wanted to download some music – but it was blocked by K-9 because the site had spy-ware on it. I did a search for a review and the complaints listed said that some people had to have their computers rebuilt… I’ve since told him to get his music from reputable websites!
There is no way you can keep track of what your kids are doing online just by glancing over their shoulders now and then. K-9 also has a log of internet activity that cannot be erased without the password. (Hint: if you look at history on your computer and it is blank=bad sign. That means some one is covering his or her tracks.) K-9 would also be a big help in any families troubled by online porn. (Unfortunately – good families can be sorely tested by this. Give the wife/mother the password and block porn: very effective. I read of one man who asked for this because he was so sick of wasting his time with porn – but he couldn’t break the habit on his own. So – I see K-9 as something to help keep Light in families on many levels. And as I said -you can customize your settings for your family’s needs.
Another very good resource is Parents: The Anti-Drug. Long story short is that they know best what teens are facing right now in this department. So, it is best to be informed. And know that your love , clear guidance, and concern is an enormous influence on your child and teen. Read through the website a little bit each day…
And then – build positive energy in your family. Apply the positive things that you are already inclined to do, and possibly add in some ideas from my free e-book, Finding God in Your Family. And – pray for your kids…they’ll feel your love and care. Every bit of love and light helps them immensely.
Take care and God bless…and please feel free to leave helpful comments, or questions…
Note from Mary Kretzmann: Yesterday and today, as I sat to write a chapter on the teen years, I realized I wanted to add material written by Swamii Kriyananda (J.D. Walters) and it went beyond simple quotes. So, I’ve included 2 whole chapters, with permission. I feel this topic is so important, and yet so easily misunderstood, that it needs all the helpful foundation possible before I add my own family’s journey through those years.
What Swamiji has written here adds invaluable insight into how to keep inspiration thriving in teens. I was also struck, as I reread the chapter, how his whole book had been inspired by a dream, which he shares, below.
by J. Donald Walters
The Willful Years
The immediate inspiration for this book was a dream I had, in which a group of aggressive teenage boys surrounded me arrogantly. I wasn’t apprehensive, but I do recall experiencing a deep concern for them.
As we walked up a street, talking together—they, hunching along in the self-conscious manner of many teenagers—I remarked, “Doesn’t it seem that life ought to offer us something really worth living for? Surely kindness and friendship are worth more than being considered important? And isn’t happiness something worth striving for, rather than something to reject as impossible?”
“That’s right!” they exclaimed a little sadly. “It’s what we all want.”
And I felt their own deep intrinsic worth, their sense of innocence betrayed by an upbringing that had stripped them of everything in which they might have had faith.
The problems of modern education are evident during all the four stages, but they become glaringly so during the teenage years—the third stage.
It is, as I’ve already stated, during this six-year stage that the child feels a special need to test his will power. It isn’t that he won’t test it sooner, any more than a child during its first six years, though focused on developing bodily awareness, doesn’t express its emotions. (As I remarked earlier, it is probable during those first years that he’ll seem to be expressing little else!)
A child with a naturally strong will may show willfulness in the very cradle. Yogananda used to say that it is a mistake, though one that is often committed for the parents’ convenience, to discourage willfulness. However, just as the best time for learning to control the emotions is during the second six-year stage, so also the best time for consciously developing the will power and directing it wisely is during the third stage, up to the age of eighteen.
Idealism, for example, develops naturally with only a little encouragement during the six years preceding a child’s twelfth birthday. But it tends to be an idealism more sentimental than practical. With the adolescent’s dawning instinct for expressing his will power, there comes the inclination to put idealism into practice. Such, at least, is the opportunity of adolescence. Alas, it proves all too often an opportunity either overlooked or unrecognized.
For with the onset of puberty there comes a growing preoccupation with oneself as a self—as an ego separate and distinct from other egos. The child’s developing sexual awareness forces upon him a major redefinition of his priorities—of how he sees himself, how he relates to others, and what he expects from life.
Sexual awareness tends to pull the adolescent’s energy and consciousness downward, toward spiritual “heaviness.” This directional flow, coupled with his natural self-preoccupation, is contractive in effect, resulting in deep psychological pain for the child. If, moreover, his natural mental inclination is upward, this unaccustomed downward flow brings him also into a period of spiritual confusion.
With sexual awareness also, on the other hand, there comes a sense of potential inner power, of creativity, which, if not directed into right channels, may easily be diverted into destructive ones.
Should the mind, during this third stage, be brought to repudiate the idealism it held as a younger child, it may reject ideals altogether and employ all of its creative power cynically, in acts that are deliberately negative.
How can an adolescent be encouraged to keep his early idealism? Advantage may actually be taken of the changes occurring in his body and psyche with the advent of puberty.
His awakening sense of inner power can be directed toward making his ideals practical, instead of rejecting them negatively as the figment of dreams. Early dreams must now be translated into dynamic action—refined in their definition, perhaps, but not abandoned cynically.
Adolescence needs a cause—or, better still, an abundance of causes. It needs something to do. It is like dynamite: if exploded above the ground it may only destroy; but if placed carefully underground and exploded there, it may help in the building of roads over which cars will pass later.
Adolescence, when approached and understood rightly, is a wonderful time, rich with some of life’s greatest opportunities for self-development. The important thing to understand is the youth’s need for action, and not for mere theories.
Physical discipline is important. So also is any call to good deeds without the expectation of personal reward—the greater the self-sacrifice entailed, the better, provided, of course, that the child’s welfare isn’t endangered.
Self-reliance needs to be stressed in numerous ways, including camping out in the wilderness, boy scout activities, tests of personal endurance and the like.
Other tests can be given the teenager for developing his will power. If he feels a cold coming on, for example, he might try casting it out of his body by sheer will power. (This can be done quite effectively, provided the cold is caught at an early enough stage.)
He can be encouraged to test the power of positive thinking, and to see how it affects his own life, the lives of others, and objective circumstances. A positive, strong will power has been shown to be capable of influencing objective events, and above all one’s own consciousness, for the better.
The teenager, so often pampered by worried adults, actually needs just the opposite from them: challenges! Dare him to do better than he imagines possible. But draw him forward, don’t yank him or push him. His responses must arise out of himself; they must not be imposed upon him unnaturally by ambitious grown-ups.
What is to be done about teenagers who are already going in wrong directions? It is all very well to approach adolescence as a wonderful time of life, provided we can begin working on the adolescent right from the age of twelve. But what about the great numbers of older adolescents who have already developed strongly negative behavioral patterns? Is there any hope for them?
Indeed there is, though admittedly, in this case, the task will be more difficult. All of the above guidelines will apply. Negativity must be recognized and dealt with honestly. Faith in the child’s potential, however, must be the underlying attitude; never accept his negative self-image.
The important thing is to realize that most children do want true values. Their negativity is symptomatic, usually, of disillusionment, because they’ve been deprived of faith.
Two courses of direction have the potential to transform the currently destructive atmosphere surrounding youth in society. One would be a spiritual renascence of some deep, experiential kind. This, obviously, is not something that can be produced to order. The other would be the opposite of pampering: firm, but kind, discipline.
Disciplining children without love never really works. I don’t recommend a boot camp type of training, which would only undermine the good work done during the ages of six to twelve, the feeling years. But it might help for people at least to understand the value of stern discipline, lest love be equated with feeble smiles and futile remonstrances.
In the Swiss army many years ago there was a regiment that consisted of the lowest and roughest elements of society, men who categorically refused every form of discipline. They rose in the morning whenever they felt like it; showed up for drill or not, as it pleased them; talked back to their officers, and made it abundantly clear that they had nothing but contempt for a law that made it mandatory for every adult male in Switzerland to serve his time in the army. The officers were afraid of them, and didn’t dare to enforce discipline on them.
Then a new colonel was placed over them. This man was not the type to put up with such nonsense. Impatient with their slovenly behavior, he decided that what they needed was severe discipline, not laxity. His fellow officers waited with bated breath for the inevitable-seeming shot in the back.
But this regiment somehow accepted the colonel’s no-nonsense approach. Within a few months, they became the best-disciplined group in the entire army, and the unit with the highest esprit de corps.
I don’t recommend such Spartan measures with teenagers, but as long as parents and teachers are afraid to be firm, even in much milder ways, poor discipline will be endemic in the schools, along with the many negative attitudes that result from it.
Too many adults, unfortunately, are more concerned with being loved than with loving. If they really loved, they would give the children what they really need. During adolescence, the child’s will power needs to be tested and strengthened, not merely shrugged off as a test for the grown-ups.